Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
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KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
next level snooze
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
“Huge”.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.