Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
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A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
When they try to steal your moment.
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”