Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
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We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
ok this is my dumbest yet
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*