WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
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Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
This cat wants you to take your pills
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs