*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
You Might Also Like
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Thanks to a fan for this one!
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community