A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
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(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
thanksgiving in nutshell
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.