looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
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7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat