Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
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At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Dietest Coke
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Worlds greatest photobomb
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d