Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
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I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
😎 🍻
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Matt Goss
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.