A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
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I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
channeling her this year
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
*jazz hands*
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women