Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
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Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
I’m aging like a fine banana
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?