Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
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This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
happy mother’s day❤️
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Candles never taste the way they smell
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
huge if true: the moon
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98