If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
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I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow