Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
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Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Unexpected Judgment
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
You can’t rush stupid.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.