Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
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What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.