me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
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My hips? Compulsive liars.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Liquor Store Parking
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
An odd boast
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that