British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
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There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice