Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
You Might Also Like
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
I’m good, thanks.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Eggs benadryl my favourite
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.