reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
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pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Social distancing in Australia:
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ