If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
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If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
*jingles half the way*
When someone trying to leave me
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.