Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
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its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.