When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
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If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
he was correct
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today