When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
You Might Also Like
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
I never know how much to tip a cow.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Dietest Coke
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.