WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
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[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
technically true but not a great slogan
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
If you love someone, let them sleep.
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.