Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
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Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!