If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
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imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.