How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
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*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
road rage
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.