Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
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[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
blocked.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
The Sun