I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
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I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms