This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
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Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
My dog ate my work from home.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.