“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
You Might Also Like
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Welcome
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)