11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
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*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Check your privilege
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs