How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
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My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.