[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
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ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.