What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
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Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.