Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
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my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.