[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
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“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever