Sex so good you see dead people.
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[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Teach your children to beatbox
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.