MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
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Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.