“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
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My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.