guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
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I like donuts.
Twitter:
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
our love story in four pictures
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time