Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
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* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.