People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
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Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Investing in beetcoin
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer