Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
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back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪