“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
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My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.