it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
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So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*