Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
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WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.