My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
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It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
barbara was highly relatable
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*