The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
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Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
My new favorite headline
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!