Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
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The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.